Issue link: https://www.massageandbodyworkdigital.com/i/557366
F r e e S O A P n o t e s w i t h M a s s a g e B o o k f o r A B M P m e m b e r s : a b m p . u s / M a s s a g e b o o k 83 F r e e S O A P n o t e s w i t h M a s s a g e B o o k f o r A B M P m e m b e r s : a b m p . u s / M a s s a g e b o o k 83 so hard that I could hear it, as I realized that this man was a stranger rather than the caring, gentle, spiritual man he led me to believe he was. Almost immediately, he started kissing me, then reached to lock the door. I experienced a trigger memory of my uncle locking the door before he would molest me. Get out now, Emma!, a voice in my head warned. But I froze. Instead of listening to that voice, I robotically allowed him to guide me into his bedroom. After all, he cares for me … I'm special … the needy child in me thought. In the sexual encounter that followed, I felt disconnected from the event, like I was watching it from above in disbelief. When I returned to my home several hours later, I was sobbing, shaken, panicked; I couldn't feel my legs. I now recognize that my experience that day was one of sexual violation and that the freezing and dissociation I experienced are common physiological responses to trauma. After that encounter, I tried to end the relationship. But in my diminished state of mind—and wanting to believe that Mr. D. cared for me and that this was a "real" relationship—I eventually succumbed to his persistent appeals to return. Throughout the following six-month involvement, I became increasingly disengaged from my surroundings: my home, my friends, my family, and my regular life. After time spent with him, I'd burst into tears as soon as I entered my house. I was incredibly confused and experienced frightening bodily sensations I didn't understand or recognize: an overall feeling that I was slowly dissolving, my legs weak and ungrounded. When I'd try to talk about my confusion with Mr. D., he'd tell me that I needed to change my thinking, that the relationship was a "gift," and that I should be putting energy into it because in turn I would receive energy from the Universe. I was like a captive in a cult, under his spell, powerless to break away even though I attempted to several times. This nightmarish experience ended abruptly when he told me he was leaving town to try to reconcile with his ex-wife. I was distraught and in shock, feeling betrayed and abandoned like a helpless child. Just a few weeks later, my friend Charlene revealed to me that Mr. D. had also exploited her trust by inviting her to his home for a session, telling her he had another treatment offi ce there. After taking money from her, he led her to his bedroom and coerced her into having intercourse with him. She, too, responded by freezing and dissociating, and even became suicidal after the encounter. Many professionals I spoke with about Charlene's and my experience advised us to go to the police. But we couldn't. We struggled, as most sexual assault victims do, with feeling ashamed and responsible, afraid and confused. Since he was a "healer," we wanted to believe there was a meaningful, positive reason for what happened. Both of us had diffi culty accepting the truth that we had been so cruelly manipulated and callously used by someone we trusted—someone we had gone to specifi cally for healing. It took a very long time for me to see things for what they were: Mr. D. exploited my trust and vulnerability to not only rape my body but perhaps worse, to rape my heart, mind, and soul. In the aftermath of his abuse, I experienced a terrifying sense of having Have you experienced ethics violations as a client or felt unequipped to handle the aftermath of an unethical action in your own practice? By sharing your story, you could help others heal, too. For more information or to participate in ethics research, visit www.healingethics.com.